SIX FEET UNDER

2001 - 2005

I had a feeling that maybe the final SIX FEET UNDER would include the fates of each of the characters. What a way to go out. I'm still trying to wipe the tears from my eyes. I'm uplifted and totally depressed at the same time.

Today James took me, Crystal, and Felicia to the beach, and I had Six Feet Under-esque thoughts. Well, not like the show, perse, but more about life and how we have incredible power just by living. As I was looking out into the horizon, I thought about what a captivating image the water meeting the sky is, and how many have never seen it, never will, and never got the chance. It made me feel very fortunate for having life. No one really values what they have. It's always, "I don't have this...", "I can't do that....", "I hate so-and-so...". Instead of lusting after what they don't have, people need to cherish what they do have. It's going to be when it's gone that they'll wish they had it back. People should not whine about what they can't do and treasure what they are capable of. Instead of concentrating hatred on the wicked ones, they should love the ones that are by their sides. Joni Mitchell said wisely, "Don't it always seem to go, that you don't know what you got till it's gone...". That is the exact truth. There are so many things I never told Jason that I should have. There are so many things I wanted to do with him and for him, but I never felt like it. If I had the time to do and say what I should have, we would have been happier. He never knew that I really did love him. I always shyed away from letting people know my true emotions -- except my anger. I think even that I may not have realized it myself. I made up my mind to finally tell him that I did truly love him, the same way he loved me, but everything spiraled out of control before I could. He never knew. Maybe he did. Maybe he knew it in his heart. Hopefully he knows now. I just wish people could count their blessings instead of complaining about flaws. I don't think anyone understands how good things are for them, even at their worst. It's just a lesson everyone must learn on their own, I guess. I hate myself for being so selfish in the past. I hate myself for being so scornful in the past. I should practice what I preach and rephrase that. I am happy that I have more consideration for others than in the past. I am happy that I have learned to not hold a grudge anymore, no matter what the severity. How can I expect anyone to forgive me when I can't forgive others? Everything is just so hard. Even though I walked away from the accident unscathed, I have all my wounds on the inside, and those will probably never heal. It's just a shame that everyone was so concerned with their own pettiness, no one realized I lost someone too. It was always about them, but I lost just as well as them. They say it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. If that is the case, I guess I'm one of the fortunate ones. I do have countless memories to relish, intimate ones that no one can tarnish. Geez, if I have so many things to be thankful for and happy about, why can't I be happy? It must be my own pettiness of wishing I had everything back the way it was. I wish I had all of my old friends back and could imagine my future with them, from our shared apartments to our children playing together. Oh well, I need to value the friends I have now and move on. I need to live. I just wish it could get easier and not be so alone.